


the devil called, he said he wants his sand back

by somanygalaxies



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Crack Treated Semi-Seriously, Crack-ish, Gen, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Little Shit, no beta we die like stimulus checks, no one likes sand and everyone will be better for it, took the sand hatred and dialed to the ten
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:09:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29815131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somanygalaxies/pseuds/somanygalaxies
Summary: The ever increasing shenanigans of Vader and Sidious knowingexactlywhere Kenobi is but absolutely refusing to step foot on Tatooine. Sand’s a wretched thing, after all, and Obi-Wan might just be able to use this to his advantage.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker | Darth Vader, Sheev Palpatine | Darth Sidious & Anakin Skywalker | Darth Vader
Comments: 13
Kudos: 65





	the devil called, he said he wants his sand back

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write something fun, so I tried my hand at something cracky. Enjoy!

Sand. It was always sand, wasn’t it. 

Sand, the one karkin' thing he could not ban in his Empire. Sand, something his hatred grew _more_ for after turning the galaxy on its head and to his heels. Sand, a word he could never utter without incurring another dreadful rant from his infuriating apprentice. 

“He’s on Tatooine.” It was a simple fact, but it was one that he would _forever_ curse Kenobi for.

He could feel the anger radiating off Vader, and it was one of the few occurrences in which he desperately did _not_ want to. “There are other potential planets to check first, my Master.” His fists were clenched tight, and Sidious could feel a headache blooming beyond his temples.

“There have been multiple confirmed sightings on Tatooine.”

“He could be anywhere.”

“He didn’t change his _name_.”

“It could have been anyone.”

Sidious has to stomp down the urge to grumble and throw his head in his hands. “Still, the sightings are evidence enough to comb through Tatooine, my apprentice,” he grits. Vader was silent for a moment, and Sidious almost believed he managed to persuade Vader to scour the desert planet.

Almost.

“I will send a squadron to Hutt space while I resume my preparations for a search on Nar Shaddaa.”

“A squadron will be insufficient. You are to personally track down and terminate Kenobi on Tatooine.”

Vader faltered. “I, uh, can’t.”

The sith lord’s eyes narrowed. “You can’t?”

“No.”

“And why not?”

“Well, you see,” Vader shifted, taking a moment to gather a plausible excuse. “I’m allergic to Tatootine.”

“Allergic?”

“Yes.”

“It’s your _home planet._ ”

“Yes, it’s a horrid coincidence.”

Sidious closed his eyes briefly to regain his footing in what was a horrible excuse of a briefing. “No matter, I’ll have the medics adjust your rebreather’s filter for your allergens.” He had a sneaking suspicion he would have to restaff soon.

“I’ll send a troop to hunt Kenobi while adjustments are made, my Master.”

Sidious did not manage to withhold his sigh.

### ~♢~

The troopers sent to Tatooine never returned. Sidious presumed this meant Kenobi, formidable as he annoyingly was, managed to wipe out his specialized forces, and considered using this information as a means to push Vader to face Kenobi personally.

This, surprisingly, was not the case.

“What do you mean they _resigned_?”

Vader held up a datapad through the holoprojector. “I received the flimsiwork earlier this cycle.”

“That’s not possible.”

“I thought so too!” Vader proclaimed back, his energy reminiscent of his younger, wilder self. A sight Sidious was not pleased to see. His apprentice reigned his composure in. “I checked it out; it's filled out properly. I was relying that they would mess up something so I could refute.”

Corellian hells. “It's not possible because we don’t _offer_ resignations for cloned officers.”

“Well,” Vader drawled out, tapping the datapad. “It's already been accepted.”

A deep breath. He needed a deep breath and to keep control of the situation. “Do you at least know where they are?”

“No.”

“Then you are assigned to Tatooine for the time being to find them _and_ Kenobi.”

“Unfortunately, I cannot. I have been informed my rebreather is ill equipped for sand filtration. For the security of the Empire, I must stay away from desert systems.” 

“Then I will upgrade your rebreather, and you will head to-.”

“No!” The rebuttal was sudden and louder than either of them expected. Vader straightened himself further than Sidious thought possible. “I mean, I am too attached to my current model. It would be unwise for us to separate.”

Sidious cupped his hand across his face, giving into his resignation. “Your rebreather?”

“Yes. My attachment fuels me with passion, and, in turn, my ability in the Dark Side. Losing this very specific, anti-sand rebreather would be detrimental to my ability to access the Dark Side and protect the Empire.”

Sidious finally allowed himself to pinch the bridge of his nose. He hated Kenobi.

### ~♢~

In all honesty, Sidious should probably just hunt down Kenobi himself. Vader would never run out of ways to get out of stepping foot on Tatooine, and he would save them all a lot of trouble taking Kenobi out himself. 

But, Sidious thought begrudgingly, Vader was completely right that sand kriffing _sucked_ . And he was not just going to let all his effort to persuade his apprentice be wasted and ultimately get _himself_ covered in _sand_ instead. That just wouldn’t do.

He couldn’t tell if Kenobi chose Tatooine because he knew the sand would protect him or if he was just one lucky bastard. Either way, it was incredibly infuriating.

Couple the fact neither him nor Vader would ever enter such a barren, sand-ridden planet willingly with consistently disappearing troops, and there was one frothing Sidious. Kenobi was going to _suffer_ once he got his hands on him.

Yes, that would add soothing balm to his aching soul. Rid the galaxy of one more annoying pest. Then, as the last of his apprentice’s old connections disappears, he could focus truly rebuilding Vader in his image.

And, if he couldn’t get his hands on Kenobi, then there were other measures. Granted, none as satisfying as being able to break Kenobi himself, sure, but, at this point, ridding himself of his existence was more of a priority.

Surely, the Death Star could not be built soon enough.

His apprentice had seemed to have caught on to the loophole of this assignment in the Death Star’s creation. Yes, the boy had been reluctant to oversee production and wandered off site multiple times in his boredom. It had been a thorn in his side no bigger than the one built on those wretched Sand Rants.

Vader found the promise in overseeing the production of the Death Star when he _finally_ recognized that he could simply blow Tatooine up and away, and free himself from the burden of traversing the horrid planet. Yes, he was fervent in his duties now.

Sidious could never be happier for that fact.

### ~♢~

When the first trooper appeared at his door, Obi-Wan wanted to shut the door in his face. Living on Tatooine was punishment enough, really, and anything more was just overkill. So, he stood there, eyes boring into the empty stare of a visor, wondering if staying perfectly still would make him invisible.

From a distance, he heard the static ridden comments filtering through a helmet around the corner. “Sith hells, why can’t the Emperor or Darth Vader come here themselves? If I wanted to die surrounded by sand, I would’ve just complimented the karkin’ stuff in front of the Darth himself.”

And Obi-Wan had a very interesting idea.

Within the rotation, he had his executioners filing resignation papers alongside his guidance, tea served, and trash-talk about the Empire flooding his small alcove. 

“I swear if I had one more natborn talk down to me, Vader would have competition for the position of deadly apprentice.”

“We can’t have _pears_ because Vader will throw a fit. All you need to do is channel your rage into chucking pears at him.”

“Oh! Just make a line of sand dividing you, and you’ll be golden. I heard he killed all the medical engineers because they said his filter was already capable of filtering sand. Sithspawn won’t go _near_ the stuff.”

Turns out, only one order could be active at a time for the clones chips, and Order 66 was effectively null as Palpatine had to issue a new order so troops would both head out to Tatooine and _stay there_. Which was very, _very_ good to know.

Obi-Wan sipped his tea, anticipating a very fun time ahead of him.

### ~♢~

“You can’t keep avoiding your assignment, my apprentice.”

This comment went unheard, of course, as his apprentice was busy standing atop a piece of his repurposed TIE fighter, wreaking havoc on the Hutt controlled sectors of Nar Shaddaa. The bloodshed and terror were a beauty to witness, don’t get him wrong, but it came at the very hefty cost of _losing the Hutts as allies_. 

The agreement he had with the Hutts was nothing grand, but it was extremely beneficial. Hutt controlled sectors were _very_ lucrative, and his alliance allowed him a cut of the revenue without much leg work himself.

Now he was going to have to do something about both the Hutts _and_ maintaining control of the sector and its commerce.

But… He could use this.

His apprentice was never shy of his hatred of the Hutts. In fact, it had always been damn near impossible to keep him from taking them all out when his inhibitions had been released. Alas, all that hard work for nothing. 

But, he may be able to get a trip to Tatooine by his apprentice out of this.

Jabba was by far the Hutt his apprentice despised the most, and the opening for vengeance was now placed before his feet. If he could point his apprentice’s rage at the Hutt, he could have him take out Kenobi along the way.

Surely, this was an opportunity his apprentice wouldn’t pass up.

### ~♢~

Karkin’ _Kenobi_. It had to be, there was no one else who could get under his skin just so.

Jabba was dead, and this was the incident that had triggered his apprentice's rage tear down of Nar Shaddaa. Darth Vader wasn’t the one who took the slimmy Hutt out, and apparently this was something he could not stand.

Sidious not only lost his alliance with the Hutts, he also lost the one advantage he had to get his apprentice to finally- _finally_ march Tatooine. Now he had political and economic issues to address, an annoyingly brooding apprentice, and a very much alive Kenobi he was back to square one with.

Oh, oh, this Death Star couldn’t be built soon enough.

### ~♢~

Obi-Wan had left Tatooine exactly one time, and the experience left a rather sour taste in his mouth. 

It seemed his decision to hide Luke away on Tatooine was a good one, but not in the way he originally planned. He originally thought the Outer Rim planet would be far enough out of the Emperor’s purview for much attention to be thrown their way, and Ana- no, Vader would be unwilling for quite some time to address the trauma the sandy dunes brought to the forefront of his mind.

No, Tatooine was a safe haven, but that was, as it’s becoming ever clearer, because any sensible being absolutely detested sand. 

Obi-Wan decided to head out in search of a young cry in the force against his better judgement. His former Padawan had zeroed in on him almost immediately when he touched down on Bracca. This was a rather unfortunate event to occur during his rather sensitive quest.

Now, he stood, face-to-face with a monster he felt responsible for, with a little youngling barely hidden behind some wreckage nearby. “I must say, I’m rather flattered at the attention I’ve garnered so quickly. I appreciate His Majesty's hospitality.”

It was a semi-desperate attempt to sway the Sith Lord’s attention from the terrified youngling. For some unknown reason, the sight of the young one seemed to increase his former apprentice’s ire, and Obi-Wan was unwilling to let it continue.

“Mind your words, Kenobi. I’m not here to play catch up. For whatever reason you’ve had to haunt Tatooine, I do not care.” The light of his blood red saber tried to wash out the darkness of his attire, and Obi-Wan could feel the curiosity he was tampering down despite his words. “This rotation will be your last, but don’t worry. I’ll be sure to train your son personally.”

“Unfortunately, I have several upcoming appointments I just can’t miss. Mind if we reschedule, Darth?” The taunt was out of his mouth before he truly processed Vader’s words. “Wait, _son_?”

The sith’s saber pointed in the direction of the youngling. “Did you not think I would notice the resemblance, _Master_ ? I always knew you and the Duchess were intimate, but to know the perfect Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi broke the Jedi code this _hard_? Top ten moments for sure.”

Obi-Wan flushed. “That’s rather inappropriate, Padawan. But, I regret to inform you Satine and I remained _just friends_ , and I have never sired a child.” Oh, what a slip of the tongue. He guarded himself, preparing for the dark being in front of him to lash out at his use of the old, fond title.

Which, surprisingly, never came.

“Oh, please, Master. He’s got red hair, you’ve got red hair. He’s got freckles, you have freckles. He’s short, you’re short. Really, the resemblance is uncanny.”

That… was unfulfilling in it’s unpersuasiveness. “I beg your pardon, I am a perfectly average height." He folded his arms, raising a brow pointedly at the man in front of him. "I’m sure there’s more to deduction than minor cosmetics.”

What sounded suspiciously like a snort filtered through cybernetic breathing. “And there’s snow on Tatooine. All redheads are related; you should know this. The kid’s your son and _my_ future apprentice.”

Obi-Wan wasn’t sure what to make of that. Since when did his former padawan believe _that_ conspiracy theory? “By that logic, the Emperor would be _my_ father. You _do_ know he had red hair, right?”

"I- _you_... _him_?" Vader floundered for a moment before stilling, a rebuttal never quite gracing his tongue.

“ _Kenobi_.” Oh, that seemed to set him off, and the tense atmosphere returned. “I have been waiting for this moment for far too long.” He advanced as Obi-Wan solidified his guard. This fight was going to be a tough one, but he was going to get the youngling out of here whether Vader liked it or not.

Then, a small blur ran in front of him. The youngling took up guard at his front, oh so ineffectively in his tininess, with an adorably determined face. Obi-Wan would have smiled if he wasn’t so horrified.

“Move, Baby Kenobi. I need to finish my discussion with your father here so we can be on our way.”

“No!” _Oh, this one’s gonna be trouble_ , Obi-Wan thought fondly before trying to yank the kid back. “I won’t let you hurt Master Kenobi.”

“This is not your choice, Apprentice.”

Earnest green eyes hardened. “Pocket sand!” With a single whip of the boy's hand and the fluttering of his coat, Vader was slumped over, coughing roughly as the boy scampered back, pulling Obi-Wan with him.

“Where did you get that sand?”

“You told me to keep some on me for self-defense.”

“That was only five minutes ago, young one. How in the blazes did you manage to get your hands on some?”

The boy only shrugged, mischief dancing behind sparkling eyes.

Obi-Wan sighed.

### ~♢~

As the two Kenobi’s vanished into the shipyards, Vader felt a sick feeling of irony wash over him as he discovered his rebreather _was_ in fact pervious to sand.

_Kenobi!_

**Author's Note:**

> That was longer than I expected :P 
> 
> I tend to favor heavier pieces when it comes to my writing, so this was a fun exercise. I actually wanted to tack on a little more, something fluffier with my baby Luke, but I couldn't fit it into the flow :( so I'll probably add some more later with it alongside some more shenanigans.
> 
> I hope y'all enjoyed!
> 
> Stay safe everyone!


End file.
